Life Is What It Is

Will miss him...........

2009-11-08T18:33:00.001-08:00

The last time I wrote, I was still with the man that I met four years ago. As of this past Friday, we are no longer together. I ended my love affair with him. He may never understand why I did what I did, some day maybe we can talk. I am still very much in love with him and care very deeply for him.

My life changed considerably when I met him..............made me feel loved...wanted....cared for...needed and beautiful.

My life has changed even more since I have ended things with him.......miss him already.....

Baby - for what it is worth - I will love you forever...............Always know what I had with you was very real to me.

I Love You Baby

2009-08-20T18:09:00.001-07:00

Last month it has been four years since I met the person that captured my heart.

I am still with him.....still love him......still in love with him.

I wonder everyday if there will be a future for us.....where we are going......where will we be.

For now still have to take it day by day by day.............

This Sums It All Up.....

2009-01-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

"When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." -- William Shakespeare

Say It All The Time

2008-09-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I want to say it all the time. Everytime I talk to him, when I see him and when I say goodbye to him. Can you guess what it is? If you guessed saying I Love You - You are correct! However, I only feel lately that I should say it when he says it, usually when we are making love, or when one of us wants to make love or the one of us is feeling insecure. Why is that - no clue.

So - for all the times I want to say it and I dont - I LOVE YOU!!!

I Can't & I Can

2008-09-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

I can't win. I can't say or do anything to make the man I am in love with believe that I don't want anyone else but him. I wish - WISH - HE WOULD BELIEVE ME!

I can always tell when he feels hurt or is upset with me or upset about something. How? When I talk to him on the phone, he has a coldness in his voice, he will make popping noises with his mouth, he is very quiet and when we say goodnight when I talk to him on his way home, he does not say I Love You or Love You.

I feel the tension - I do not like it - wish he would understand and believe me and believe in me.

Promises.......

2008-08-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Promises.......I believe everyone has different definitions of promises. However, when I make a promise I ALWAYS stick to my promises. I made a lot of promises to the man I am in love with last Friday and I will stick to all the promises I made.
December 31, 2007 - a promise was made to me for 2008 - I was promised things would get better for "us" next year. Why wouldnt I believe the man I am in love with - especially when he was laying next to me crying and holding me. Do I still believe in him - you bet - am I still holding him to his promise - you bet - only four more months in 2008 - will the promise come through?

A HUGE 8 Ball

2008-07-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Boy oh boy.....it sure seems the 8 ball is always getting bigger and bigger keeping us apart. It really sucks and hurts. Hopefully something will change soon, keeping my fingers crossed.

All I Would Like.........

2008-06-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

All I would like is to be loved, love in return, needed, cared for and wanted. To have the love of my life to walk beside me with a smile on his face, so everyone knows I am his, and he is loved.

Is that to much to want..................

Yeah I Do

2008-06-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah I Do Love you very much. Sometimes I do not think you believe me when I tell how much I love you, but baby I do, I really do.

Remember Me??

2008-06-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

Hey you......remember me?? I am the person that cares for you very much, loves you, is in love with you, enjoys being with you, enjoys making you smile, enjoys making you feel good, enjoys everything about you, absoustely everything, even your stinky butt!!!
Love you baby!

I Love You

2008-06-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

I Love You Baby!

Really Do....

2008-05-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

I really do love you and care for you very much.

Begin......

2008-04-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

how do i begin this. for starters you are the only thing that keeps my together. you make everyday worth waking up for, you are amazing. i have so much fun when i am around you. you are the highlight of my life. i can not even imagine not being with you. you make me sooo happy and make me always have a smile. you can do anything to cheer me up and it always work. you are the joy in my life. you turned my world upside down, you proved to me not every guy is the same and not ever guy will hurt a girl. you are the first one i can say i love you too and mean it ; and know you mean it too. i know that no matter how hard things get we have each other and thats all we need to get thru things.I love the way that I don’t have to worry about anything when I’m with you. I don’t have to wonder what you are thinking about me, or worry that I’m going to say something stupid. I don’t even have to look fantastic, or keep a smile on my face the whole time. I know that you’ll love me no matter what I say, or do, or look like, or feel. I love that I can sing at the top of my lungs in the car with you. I love that you even like it when I make you suffer through my off-keyed-ness just because you know how happy it makes me to sing our songs. I love sitting at home with you watching tv or movies making fun of people on tv and just being ourselves. And when you give me kisses on the cheek it makes me know that you care.i can see myself waking up next to you, your face being the first thing i see, with that bedhead hair and that sleepy smile and just knowing that everythings perfect just for the very fact that we are together. I love you baby - I'm sorry.

Lost & Confused

2008-04-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

I am feeling lost and confused once again.
I don't know what you are thinking what you are planning to do, you don't talk to me. The only thing you have asked me to do is believe in you. I do believe in you, it is just getting harder.
I know you are worried, scared how things will work. I am worried and scared too. I am worried you will get on your own and no longer want to be in my life and my daughters.
All I know is.....right now I am no longer going to ask what is going on.....I am no longer going to make suggestions.....all I know is I am in love with you with all of my heart and care for you deeply.

A Little Thing Called Love

2008-03-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

A Little Thing Called Love
Author: Anonymous

Love is a many splendored thing, they say,And I believe it when you looked my way,Out of the blue, things seemed to happenBy chance or destiny, is the question.Living my life so long, without knowing your existence,Then came a day we felt each others presence,Guess what's meant to be will always find a way,Love creeps into hearts and decides to stay.A love so exquisite, yet so intricate, In a world of only "you and I"A love we can't even demonstrate,A secret we have to keep for life.I love you, honey, and its from my heart,I hope you know that youre no beggar from the start,You make me fly without wings,You make my heart wants to sing.Every moment I spent with you,Is every one of my dreams coming true,More than words, I want to show you how I feel,Someday, some place, sometime, I will.Love is a journey for two,Step by step, me and you,The future we can't see,Let love lead the way for you and me.

In to YOU!!!

2008-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

Baby-
I am so in to you it scares me.
I love you....I want all of you....I want to give you all the love and affection I possibly can.

I Really Do!!

2008-02-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

I really do love you....I really am in love with you.

I really would like to take care of you, smother you with love, kisses, touches.

I really really do...............Love You, Admire You, Need You, Want You, I really want to be everything to you..................

Baby.....

2008-02-12T04:59:00.000-08:00

Baby - I love you!

I hope you know and truly believe in your heart that I am true to you and I am in love with you.

You are the one that has captured my heart, my love and all the feelings I have to give to a man, and you are that man, that I would like to give all and every part of me too.

I love you............

Wish......

2008-01-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be there for you like I would like to be.
A part of me tells me someday I may be able too.
Another part of me tells me I never will.

I believe in you, I believe in us, I believe in what we have.
What we have is real, it is happiness, it is love, it is right.

You need to believe also. Look in your heart and you will see.

You Are

2007-12-10T05:55:00.000-08:00

You are without any doubt in my mind and in my heart my best friend.
I have no doubt in my mind or in my heart that I am completely in love with you.

I have always always appreciated when you take me just out for the night or away for the weekend. Yes, I am sad when we come home and its only because, you have to go to your home and I have to go to my home, we cant be in the "Same Home" together.

You and I are worried about being alone when we get older, however if you think about now, we are alone.

Baby, I love you, I Thank You for Everything. I hope, I truly hope that you know how much I am in love with you and how much I am very thankful you are in my life.

Love You Always, Truthfully, Passionately and Faithfully

Time

2007-11-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

Our time together is very precious to me.
Whether we are holding hands on the couch, making love all night, your hands rubbing my cheek or your soft sweet passionate kisses.
I enjoy all of our time together.
When we get the chance to go away for the weekend.....means so much to me. I feel you are completely mine. I have so much fun with you, the way you make me laugh and feel. I truly feel loved, cared for, needed and very much wanted.

I am just trying to say, and I know I have said it before - Thank you for always trying to find the time to spend with me or going away for a weekend. I know it is difficult - I just hope you know how much I appreciate you and what you do.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving early to all my family and friends. I wish you all good eats and hope you have a wonderful day with whomever you spend it with.

To the man in my life that I love very much, wishing I could be spending this day with you, enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and enjoying our time together. Maybe next year I can make dinner with you or we can spend Thanksgiving together with our family together. Yes, I am sad, I cant be with you.

Love isn't logical....

2007-11-15T17:16:00.000-08:00

Love isn't logical, and you can't argue yourself out of feeling the way you do. So when you find yourself wondering about what's going to happen where its going to go, all you are doing is driving yourself crazy.

I am doing just that. I am driving myself crazy about my relationship with you. Sometimes I think I take things to personally, or I feel damn it is so hard to explain what I feel. My feelings were hurt yesterday, however I guess I just need to not take it the wrong way, its just hard.

I am finding myself wanting to cry during the middle of the day or in the middle of the night and I can't stop the tears.

All I know is how I feel and you are still the last person I think about before I fall asleep and the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning.

Someone Else??

2007-11-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

You asked me yesterday if I am in love with someone else. My answer was NO and it is still NO!!
I am in love with you and only you. I don't fall out of love that easily or fall in love that easily.
I am not even looking for anyone else to fall in love with. I met you, you came into my life, I am in love with you.
You said you wouldn't blame me if I fell in love with someone else or told you to hit the road. Do you want me to tell you to hit the road, would it be easier on you if I told you that? Are you trying to figure out a way to tell me to hit the road because you have met someone else and fell in love with someone else or have you fell back in love with your wife?
I said to you yesterday, I think about this a lot, and I still don't know what to do, what I should do.
All I know is that I am in love with you - there is no question about that.

Wish

2007-11-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

I wish we had the simple life.
I wish you could get the rest you need.
I wish for you to wake up every morning and fall asleep every night with a smile on your face.
I wish for you to always remember my touch.
I wish for you to close your eyes and see me smiling back at you.
I wish for you to remember all the times I made you laugh and yes even cry.
I wish so many things for you, happiness, good health, love and wealth.
I wish some day, my wish, your wish would come true for us - you and I together.
I wish............

Where did it go?

2007-10-30T17:36:00.000-07:00

I sure miss the happiness in your eyes that I saw a few months ago. You had such a brightness in your eyes, you werent so tried all the time, you had that extra spring in your step. Now its gone.
What can I do to get that spring back, to get that brightness back in your eyes? Is there anything that I can do to help you not be so tired? Am I asking to much of you, I do my best not to ask for anything extra, I take what you can give to me when you can give it to me.
I miss you holding my hand, the smile on your face when you saw me, now I see sadness again and I dont know why.
I know it seems I am also talking about what I miss, what do you miss, what do you want, talk to me like you used to.
I love you baby.......

Title Not Sure

2007-10-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what to title this.
All I know is I feel like I cant make anyone happy.
I couldnt make my daughter happy because she didnt have any friends to hang out with at the football game tonite or she couldnt find any place to spend the night at. I am sorry I couldnt make you happy.

And to you my love, I am sorry, I couldnt see you at lunch, I am sorry I couldnt talk to you before you went into work and I am sorry I missed your call when you were on lunch. I was peeing in the bathroom when you called. I am sorry I cant make you happy tonight either.

I am so sorry I cant make anyone happy in my life. All I want to do is make people happy I dont like it actually I HATE it when people are angry at me and I couldnt make them happy.

Wish I Knew

2007-10-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

Wish I knew if what we have is going to go somewhere other than what we have now.
Wish I knew if I am going to be more than a memory.
Wish I knew if I will ever complete him.
Wish I knew if he wants to complete me.

Wish I knew.........................

You......

2007-10-05T12:43:00.000-07:00

Miss you
Miss who you are
Miss how I am when I'm with you
Miss your touch
Miss your kiss
Miss your presence
Miss your laughter
Miss your smile...............All in all

I miss everything about you and everything we are together.

Will Always.....

2007-09-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

I will always have you in my heart, always feel your love in my heart.
I will always feel your touch on my skin when the wind blows or the sun shines on me.

I will always forever love you.

T-Shirt

2007-09-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in his t-shirt that he had on before he left to go to his house.

Am I sad he left, yes.

However, sitting here typing this new blog entry, smelling his scent, the soap he uses and the deodorant he uses, makes me feel he is sitting right next to be holding my hand.

Sun & Tornados

2007-09-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

The sun and blue sky brings so much happiness to everyone. The warmth on their skin from the heat of the sun is the same feeling of being in love.

In a matter of an instant the sky can turn dark, the wind can blow, the dead silence then out of nowhere, a tornado can take everything away.

In hopes after the tornado has blown through, you can only hope and pray you will still have the sun on your skin.

My sun has been darkened....I am not saying I am not in love anymore.....I am very much in love.

Just my sun is no longer shining as bright as it should be.

Thank You & Appreciation

2007-08-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you and appreciation to that certain someone who I am deeply in love with.

You have helped me with so much the past few weeks and done so much the past few weeks.

I am looking forward to the days head of giving you more "Thank You's" and more "I appreciate what you are doing."

Love You Always

This is what it is like....

2007-07-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

This feeling I am feeling in my heart is love.
This is what it feels like to be in love and to be loved in return.

I Love You with every inch of my body and soul.

I can only look forward to the future and making you fall in love with me more and me falling in love with you more.

As you said the other day, yes we are in a dream......and the dream is only going to get better.

I Love You

Yes I am......

2007-07-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

Yes I am very much in love with you.

I have been for a long time and I sure you have always known that.

Always been in love with you.

Please Know

2007-07-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

I want everyone to know that he is not a bad person or an ass. He is the most kind, considerate, gentle, loving and caring person I have ever met.

I know the problem lies with me, my own insecurities.

I hope he accepts my apology, I was not trying to make him look like a bad person, because he is far from it. Never ever my intention.

I am sorry.

Cant Win for Nothing

2007-07-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

I cant win for nothing.
I am trying to look out for his well being and safety and alls it seems like is I upset him once again.
I know he is thinking that I dont want to see him tonight. And that is NOT it at all. I would very much like to have a kiss goodnight.
Maybe he doesnt understand where I am coming from.

I am sorry if I upset you. Wasnt my intention.

Simple Thing to Say

2007-07-02T17:42:00.000-07:00

Only a simple thing to say right now.

Will miss you this week.

Late Nite Calls

2007-07-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

I love the late night calls.

I love hearing his voice in the middle of the night.

He always manages to calm me. His voice is so soothing and so sexy.

Hmmmmmmmmm - would love to hear that wonderful voice now.

Thank You

2007-07-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the apology.

Please know I am not like the others that have hurt you. I would not do to you what the others have done in the past.

I understand where you are coming from....but please remember, I am not them. Its me - Jenn.

Thank you again - it meant the world to me when you called and gave me your apology.

Hurt Feelings

2007-06-30T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am feeling hurt right now. And actually a little ticked off.

I missed two calls tonight from that certain someone. Apparently something happened at home and needed to get away. He called and came over and I wasn't here.

I am sorry I missed his calls, he should know that I would never neglect his calls on purpose.
But what hurts is one he thought I went to the bar and he wasn't going to come look for me and two when he said and if I am with someone else he hopes they are not drinking to much.

1) Why does he always seem to think I am with "someone else"? Shouldn't he realize by now after all of the conversations we have had I dont want anyone else!! And that hurts and ticks me off.

2) He acted like he was mad at me for not being home, I asked him what happened, he told me his son and him got into it. Well I am sorry that happened but don't take your anger out on me, I didn't do anything.

I have already once been in a relationship where I was not trusted, and I never did anything to him for him not to trust me.

I have always been here for him and I always will. Someday I hope he will truly realize what and how my feelings are for him, and he can trust me.

I am hurt I am chalking this one up as a learning experience and it is forgotten.

Simple Questions

2007-06-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how asking simple questions can take a lot of things off your mind.

I had such a good time last night. I went out with that certain someone, surprised me telling me I only had fifteen minutes, tick tock tick tock. He makes me laugh and makes me feel so good inside.

I love how I can make him smile and make him laugh when I have dense moments like the magical cone.

Thank you for a wonderful night.

First Week

2007-06-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

First week not bad - still a lot of things to learn, but other than that ok.

I was tired everyday but managed.

Next week I am working full time vs part time this week.

But I will be ok.

Never Lost.....But Found....Finally

2007-06-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

I found it!! Well....I never really lost it because I never had it. But I thought I did.

I was looking for it everywhere. I'm telling you EVERYWHERE.

Ever looked so hard for something you drove yourself crazy and you just gave up?

Then one day, as easy as looking under the couch for something, it appears and you think HEY! There you are!

I searched a really long time, I looked, I prayed and alas, it has been found.

When you find it, you hold onto it as tight as you can, not so tight that you lose it again, but you always know where it is.

You keep it in safe place so it's never damaged, never hurt, and never lost.

Finders keepers? Nah. Luck? Maybe. Fate? Not likely. God? Probably.

Like the most important things in your life, it doesn't matter because like anything worth finding, now, finally you feel complete.

Still Awake once Again - UGH!

2007-06-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Still wake again.

It is really getting frustrating not sleeping or getting limited hours of sleep. Wish I knew what was going on. Oh well - I guess there is a reason for me not sleeping.

Thank goodness for the TV in the middle of the night and thank goodness for the computer to play solitaire.

No point in going back to bed - have to get up in a few hours.

Hope my certain someone made it home safely last night - am worried.

Finally - My daughter was home on Wednesday - have missed her - even though we argued - still missed her and love her very much. Someday she will realize the reason I am being so hard on her is a good thing.

Wow

2007-06-27T03:34:00.000-07:00

Another great night with that certain someone.
I love to see the look on his face when I surprise him with things that I do for him.
I love knowing that I can make him feel so wanted, and believe me he is and he should never question it.

Thank you for another great night.

Thankful For.......

2007-06-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for.....

My daughter
My health
My friends
My job
My family
My certain someone
My dog (yes my dog - he is a pest - but a good dog)
and........
from everyone listed above - their support and love over the past several years.

Better Day

2007-06-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

I found out today that I will be working full time.
They asked if I could work part time this week for training, then full time next week or the week after. I told them that was fine. So that was a relief.

Still Awake

2007-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am still awake, still not sleeping well, not sure why.
I have so much on my mind. Yes, getting the job helped however I still can't figure out why I can't sleep.

Any suggestions???

Oh well.....life must go on with what I have and where I am going.

First Day

2007-06-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well the first day went well. Learned a lot, however.............

After I was told by my recruiter that I would be working full time, I found out today from the owners that I will be working part time for the first two weeks 8-10, then after the two weeks they will have to see how the company is doing financially.

I am sure things will be fine.

New Job

2007-06-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am very nervous about starting my new job tomorrow.
I am sick to my stomach. You would think I wouldn't be, but I am.

I can't think the last time I felt this nervousness in my belly.

Actually yeah I can. It was the first time I wondered if he was going to kiss me that night we stood out in the parking lot. When he finally did, my nervousness turned into butterflies.

I am sure things will be okay I can see tonight being a sleepiness night.

My Oh My

2007-06-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

My Oh My.

Well......lets see - he took me to a new level of excitement and passion.

Last night was amazing. I enjoyed so much the look on his face when he walked through my front door.

Thank you for last night.

All I can say is My Oh My........

Anticipation

2007-06-23T18:59:00.001-07:00

The anticipation of waiting for him to take me places I have never been before.

Where will he touch me, kiss me?

He will lift me up so high it will be hard to come back down.

The anticipation is killing me.

Nervous

2007-06-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

Starting to feel a little bit nervous about starting my new job on Monday.

I know I will be fine. Heck I started out not knowing anything about COBRA and I handled that for fourteen plus years.

Once I know all the details on what I need to do with this new job, I will start to look at what classes I need to take this fall. I am still thinking about an Associates in Accounting, but who knows by the time I have to start choosing, I may change my mind.

I am sure the nervousness is also part of meeting new people and making sure I make a good impression on everyone. I already made a great impression on the two owners, now its the rest of the crew.

So yes all in all - I am excited about my new job.

I Promise

2007-06-23T06:43:00.001-07:00

I promise to stop being so negative, to look at things more positively.
To realize that I have risen above at the negative things that have happened in my life.
I realized in the middle of the night that being so negative is so unattractive and unhealthy. I realized that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and worry about myself.
I realized that I need to be more upbeat.

Thank you to that "certain someone" for giving me the kick in the booty that I ever so needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Why Is It

2007-06-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

Why is it you can feel such relief, excitement and happiness one minute but yet another minute feel so lonely and time has stood still?

I have been trying to figure this out all day and yet I can't.

For whomever is reading please don't get the wrong idea. But have you ever wanted to run, leave a note and come back when you feel like it? Would anyone miss me, care that I am not around and worry about me?

Why is it having a date on Friday or Saturday night only really exists in high school? Why can't it still exist when we are adults? The feeling of excitement when your date rings the doorbell or knocks on the door. The feeling of excitement not knowing what the night will bring. Will he hold my hand, will he kiss me goodnight, will he call the next day, will he ask me out again.

I hope this makes sense to whomever is reading this, I am not even really sure if it makes sense to me. So if there is someone who has the same thoughts as I do, please comment me back.

Turning Around

2007-06-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

Looks like things are turning around in one area of my life.

I received the phone call today that I got the job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I start on Monday. Nervous yes, Happy yes, Relieved even more so.

I am sure things will turn around for me in other areas of my life.

Things can only get better from here.

Thank you to that "certain someone" for believing in me and sticking by me though the ordeal once again of not working, looking for a new job and most of all the moodiness that came along. It truly means a lot to me and truly you have touched my heart.

Do you..........

2007-06-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

Do you.........

Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?

Do you regret things you have done in your life?

Do you want everyone in your life to be happy, wealthy, healthy and be in love?

What do you want - What is important to you?

I have learned that yes I am beautiful. I have also learned not to dwell on regrets you have made in the past, but to move on make things better for yourself. I have learned happiness comes from within, wealthy will come in due time (expect you need to accept what is being thrown at you wether it is being wealthy or comfortable, being healthly is up to you and being in love is the most precisous feeling and I hope everyone gets the chance in their life to be in love.

No News Yet.........

2007-06-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

No news yet on the job.

My recruiter and the one owner talked today. And now the one owner needs to get with the other owner.

I am thinking positive that I will get the job. I believe that it will happen.
Waiting is the hardest part.

Thankfully I have friends that are thinking positive for me too and a "certain someone" is doing the same.

So......Thank you very much for the positive thoughts.

I will keep you all posted.

Tenderness.....

2007-06-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

His sweet kisses. The touch of his hand. The smell of his cologne. His beautiful blue eyes. His smile that melts my heart. And so many other things.............

Thank you for making me feel once again needed, wanted and most of all loved.

Mixed Emotions

2007-06-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

I was able to see that "certain someone" tonight for about 20 minutes.

When he opens my front door, my heart flutters even before I see him.

He pulls me close and wraps his arms around me and holds me. He gently kisses my forehead. He eventually lets go of me, he looks into my eyes and asks me what do I want to say. I told him that I missed him and I want to kiss him. He told me to kiss him.

I kissed him. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest because it was beating so fast, its even more now. When he kisses me he gives me chills and still gives me butterflies in my stomach. He tells me I am beautiful and not to ever forget it.

He said he needed to go, but he would be back in the morning. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, I said his face tells me differently. He told me he is sad and he knows I am sad too. Take the sadness away - let's not do this.

I want him in my life more than I have ever wanted anyone else before. I have never wanted to fight for a relationship with someone more than I want to fight for him.

I never thought I could feel so much love for someone as I do in him. However, I don't think love will be enough. There is nothing - nothing that I can do to keep him in my life. My gut tells me when he walks away - he won't be back.

And yes I am going to use one of your lines - "Please, if you have to let me go, Please don't forget me."

Fingers R Crossed - Please Cross Yours

2007-06-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

Okay - My fingers are crossed so please cross yours.

I received a phone call this afternoon on a job interview that I went to a few weeks ago. They are looking to have me be part time the first week and then full time the following week. Right now my recruiter is working with the owner to negotiate wages and benefits. He is going to call me in the morning with the news.

So.......Please cross your fingers for me.

And finally - something happy happened for me this week. Maybe just maybe I can get some sleep tonight!

Feelings?

2007-06-19T23:27:00.000-07:00

How do I get rid of the feelings that I have right now?
As I said before, I feel like I can't breathe.
The past few hours I have felt like I am having an anexity attack, my heart hurts, my chest tightens up on me when I think about not having him in my life.

Yeah I admit I have made some mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, but this time, I truly feel I didn't do anything wrong to be treated this way.

I truly feel like my life is falling apart even more and no one cares.

I truly feel the one person that has been here for me and the one person that I have been able to lean on this past year, doesn't want me to lean on him anymore, doesn't want me to burden him anymore with the problems in my life. I always felt I could lean on him, all I feel right now is he is pushing me away, doesn't want me to be a part of him anymore, doesn't want to have a relationship with me anymore, doesn't want to hold me, touch me, kiss me or makelove to me anymore.
Were his feelings true? I always believed they were, I still believe they are. I especially felt his feelings were true for me when he told me that he loves me a few weeks ago.

Why is it when you find happiness and make do your best to make someone else happy it never seems enough? I thought I was making him happy but maybe I was wrong. Is he afraid to be completely happy with me? Is he afraid that he knows that he can be happy with me and is doing everything and saying anything to not be happy with me? I don't know - all I know is he makes me happy, he makes me feel complete.

Like I said before in one of my blogs, I truly hope that he knows or will figure out that what I feel for him is so real.

I truly hope he realizes.

Two Words

2007-06-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

Two words I did not want to hear tonight I heard - "Take Care."

I am sure he means well when he says that, unfortunately it doesnt change the fact that I did not want to hear them. The last time I heard them was when we had a huge blow up and I felt it was the end.

I don't know if what we have is even going to go anywhere, all I know is those two words hurt very much.

All I know is I care for him very deeply and miss him very much.

At this point, I don't even know if there is anything I can say or do to turn this around. Maybe he doesnt want to turn it around, I don't know.

I want to know what he is thinking and feeling, I think. Yeah I do what to know what he is thinking and feeling. I know what I am thinking and feeling however I scared as hell to tell him.

My head hurts from crying, my heart hurts because I miss everything about him, I am so tired from not sleeping.

I am so lost right now...................I feel like I can't breathe.

Overwhelmed & Happiness

2007-06-19T15:14:00.001-07:00

I feel so overwhelmed in my heart right now, I feel like there is a million pounds sitting on it. I don't like the feeling of it right now.

However, I also felt happiness in my heart when that "certain someone" called me this morning. I have to be honest, I was not expecting to hear from him anytime soon. I am very very greatful that he called. He managed to put that flutter back in my heart just by the sound of his voice.

So.....thank you for calling.....it really means a lot to me.

Happiness vs Sadness

2007-06-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

I am very happy for my friend Heather who landed the job that she was seeking. She has worked very hard over the past several years to get her degree, being a single mom and still somehow manage to find a man that loves and adores her.

However....I will be sad to see her go. I have only really known her the past few months however I feel that she is a good friend. I have talked to her about so many things the past few months, between me not working, scared about moving, the anniversary of mom's death and the love realtionship that I have with that "certain someone" that is not going well right now.

I am very thankful that Heather has come into my life. I will miss her when she moves, however I know she is a phone call or email away.

Heather has been there a lot for me the past few days, with her being six years younger than me, she is more mature and seems to have her head screwed on straighter than mine.

I hope someday I can find the happiness she is feeling.

On a side note - I am still very much in love with that "certain someone" and I hope he knows how much.

So Heather.............I will miss you when you more than ten steps away for me to go talk to.

Will he ever truly know???

2007-06-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

Will he ever truly know how I my feelings are true for him?
Will he ever know how much I am in love with him, care about him, worry about him, want and need him in my life?
Will he ever truly know how when he sits on my couch and leaves his smell of his cologne on my couch and it makes me feel that he is still there?
Will he ever truly know how when he sleeps next to me in bed and leaves his smell of his cologne on my pillow to make me feel he is still there lying next to me?
Will he ever truly know how after he takes a shower the smell of his soap lingers in the bathroom or even the next day when I take a shower I feel that he is in there with me?
Will he ever let me be a part of his life, his friends life and his families life?
Will he ever truly know that I am in love with him with all of my heart?
Will he ever truly know that he has touched me in so many ways that I would like nothing more than to have him in my life all of the time - to wake up next to him to kiss him good morning, to kiss him good night, to make him smile, to make him laugh, have him make me laugh, make me smile and to pick on me the way he does?
Will he ever truly know.................

Night & Day

2007-06-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hope that "certain someone" will forgive me for me for being idiot last night.

I hope today that "certain someone" has a better day and feels better soon. Wish I could so much do something to help you, wish I could do something to help you sleep. If you need me to do anything for you to help you sleep I will do whatever you ask, promise.

Finally.....

2007-06-12T19:16:00.001-07:00

Finally today I received a phone call about an interview for a job. I was beginning to think that I would not even get one call. I am sure this is only the beginning of several more calls.

I also want to say - thank you very much to that "certain someone" - you made this past weekend absolutely wonderful. I love how you are, who you are and I love how I am when I am with you. Thank you for making me feel that I am wanted, needed and very much loved. I hope you know that I feel the same for you. The future what does it hold - I don't know - I am not even sure he knows - all I know is I treasure every minute we have together and every phone call I get from him. I hope what we have can grow into something stronger, even more fulfilling and create many many more wonderful weekends like this past weekend.

Bad Days.....

2007-06-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

Ever have those bad days when you wished you never have gotten out of bed or you wish you had a magic wand to make all the bad things go away????
To that "certain someone" I wish that I could help you in some way - I hate hearing the frustration in your voice.
Just remember things will get better.

Five years ago.......

2007-06-04T20:24:00.001-07:00

Five years ago today I lost my mom.
I still to this day wait for her to call and invite me over for dinner.

I miss her voice, her presence, everything about her.

Mom - I Love You and Miss You Dearly.

Another Hurdle

2007-06-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have yet another hurdle I need to jump over. Yesterday was my last day of work and I am even more scared now. Wish I could go to bed at night and not think about what lies ahead. I am trying very hard to think positive but lately it has been so difficult.
I have always said that things happen for a reason, therefore I am convinced what has happened to me the last few years has happened for a reason and it only has to get better.

Little Things

2007-05-30T19:40:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how the little things that certain someone can bring such a smile to my face.
When he calls and says Hi Beautiful or when he calls just to say Goodnight.
The touch of his hand on my arm still gives me goose bumps. His kiss still gives me butterflies in my stomach after all this time.
The sweetness in his voice when he says my name.
The way he cares so deeply about my well being and they way he worries about me so much.
I hope everyday I can look forward to the Hi Beautifuls and to the Goodnights.

Is It Possible?

2007-05-29T19:21:00.001-07:00

Is it possible to feel so happy and content with your life then feel so sad the next?

As I mentioned before this past year has been a whirlwind for me. Telling my daughter tonite was very hard for me that I will be out of work again. I told her I am doing my best to get another job and she knows that. I didnt have the heart to tell her that if I dont find a new job, we may have to move in with my brother. I will be taking her away from her friends for the summer, and I am sure that is not going to go over well.

My biggest fear - is that she will tell me that she wants to move in with her grandma that way she can still be close to her friends and dad.

My daughter means the world to me, she is my best friend. Yes we may fight at times, but I always always tell her that I Love Her before she goes to bed, before she goes to school and before she hangs the phone up with me. I am trying so hard to be a good mom to her, to provide her with everything that I can. I just hope she knows how hard I am trying.

Overwhelmed???

2007-05-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

Ever feel so overwhelmed, no matter what you say, what you think or what you do, you still feel like you are spinning out of control? Unfortunately, that is what I have been feeling the past year. My life has been a whirl wind the past six years, up until two years ago. Two years ago, I met someone that stole my heart, knocked down my walls and allow myself to be cared for and to be loved. A year ago, my life changed even more, I lost my job that I absolutely loved. It took me eight months to find another one, finally found a job and now I will be out of work again.
I have a wonderful daughter, great friends and a man I am so in love with, that I don't think I will ever get the chance to be with him the way that I want. Does he know how I feel, yes he does.
Right now I am scared for myself and my daughter. If I do not get a job with the next few weeks, I will have to find a place for my dog, my stuff and a place for my daughter and I to live.
I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I want to shut myself in a room and cry. I am scared to death, all I want to do is cry.
The man in my life has reached out to me, but it seems all I do is push him away. Why?? No Clue.