Hurt Feelings

I am feeling hurt right now. And actually a little ticked off.

I missed two calls tonight from that certain someone. Apparently something happened at home and needed to get away. He called and came over and I wasn't here.

I am sorry I missed his calls, he should know that I would never neglect his calls on purpose.
But what hurts is one he thought I went to the bar and he wasn't going to come look for me and two when he said and if I am with someone else he hopes they are not drinking to much.

1) Why does he always seem to think I am with "someone else"? Shouldn't he realize by now after all of the conversations we have had I dont want anyone else!! And that hurts and ticks me off.

2) He acted like he was mad at me for not being home, I asked him what happened, he told me his son and him got into it. Well I am sorry that happened but don't take your anger out on me, I didn't do anything.

I have already once been in a relationship where I was not trusted, and I never did anything to him for him not to trust me.

I have always been here for him and I always will. Someday I hope he will truly realize what and how my feelings are for him, and he can trust me.

I am hurt I am chalking this one up as a learning experience and it is forgotten.

Simple Questions

Its amazing how asking simple questions can take a lot of things off your mind.

I had such a good time last night. I went out with that certain someone, surprised me telling me I only had fifteen minutes, tick tock tick tock. He makes me laugh and makes me feel so good inside.

I love how I can make him smile and make him laugh when I have dense moments like the magical cone.

Thank you for a wonderful night.

First Week

First week not bad - still a lot of things to learn, but other than that ok.

I was tired everyday but managed.

Next week I am working full time vs part time this week.

But I will be ok.

Never Lost.....But Found....Finally

I found it!! Well....I never really lost it because I never had it. But I thought I did.

I was looking for it everywhere. I'm telling you EVERYWHERE.

Ever looked so hard for something you drove yourself crazy and you just gave up?

Then one day, as easy as looking under the couch for something, it appears and you think HEY! There you are!

I searched a really long time, I looked, I prayed and alas, it has been found.

When you find it, you hold onto it as tight as you can, not so tight that you lose it again, but you always know where it is.

You keep it in safe place so it's never damaged, never hurt, and never lost.

Finders keepers? Nah. Luck? Maybe. Fate? Not likely. God? Probably.

Like the most important things in your life, it doesn't matter because like anything worth finding, now, finally you feel complete.

Still Awake once Again - UGH!

Still wake again.

It is really getting frustrating not sleeping or getting limited hours of sleep. Wish I knew what was going on. Oh well - I guess there is a reason for me not sleeping.

Thank goodness for the TV in the middle of the night and thank goodness for the computer to play solitaire.

No point in going back to bed - have to get up in a few hours.

Hope my certain someone made it home safely last night - am worried.

Finally - My daughter was home on Wednesday - have missed her - even though we argued - still missed her and love her very much. Someday she will realize the reason I am being so hard on her is a good thing.

Wow

Another great night with that certain someone.
I love to see the look on his face when I surprise him with things that I do for him.
I love knowing that I can make him feel so wanted, and believe me he is and he should never question it.

Thank you for another great night.

Thankful For.......

I am thankful for.....

My daughter
My health
My friends
My job
My family
My certain someone
My dog (yes my dog - he is a pest - but a good dog)
and........
from everyone listed above - their support and love over the past several years.

Better Day

I found out today that I will be working full time.
They asked if I could work part time this week for training, then full time next week or the week after. I told them that was fine. So that was a relief.

Still Awake

I am still awake, still not sleeping well, not sure why.
I have so much on my mind. Yes, getting the job helped however I still can't figure out why I can't sleep.

Any suggestions???

Oh well.....life must go on with what I have and where I am going.

First Day

Well the first day went well. Learned a lot, however.............

After I was told by my recruiter that I would be working full time, I found out today from the owners that I will be working part time for the first two weeks 8-10, then after the two weeks they will have to see how the company is doing financially.

I am sure things will be fine.

New Job

I am very nervous about starting my new job tomorrow.
I am sick to my stomach. You would think I wouldn't be, but I am.

I can't think the last time I felt this nervousness in my belly.

Actually yeah I can. It was the first time I wondered if he was going to kiss me that night we stood out in the parking lot. When he finally did, my nervousness turned into butterflies.

I am sure things will be okay I can see tonight being a sleepiness night.

My Oh My

My Oh My.

Well......lets see - he took me to a new level of excitement and passion.

Last night was amazing. I enjoyed so much the look on his face when he walked through my front door.

Thank you for last night.

All I can say is My Oh My........

Anticipation

The anticipation of waiting for him to take me places I have never been before.

Where will he touch me, kiss me?

He will lift me up so high it will be hard to come back down.

The anticipation is killing me.

Nervous

Starting to feel a little bit nervous about starting my new job on Monday.

I know I will be fine. Heck I started out not knowing anything about COBRA and I handled that for fourteen plus years.

Once I know all the details on what I need to do with this new job, I will start to look at what classes I need to take this fall. I am still thinking about an Associates in Accounting, but who knows by the time I have to start choosing, I may change my mind.

I am sure the nervousness is also part of meeting new people and making sure I make a good impression on everyone. I already made a great impression on the two owners, now its the rest of the crew.

So yes all in all - I am excited about my new job.

I Promise

I promise to stop being so negative, to look at things more positively.
To realize that I have risen above at the negative things that have happened in my life.
I realized in the middle of the night that being so negative is so unattractive and unhealthy. I realized that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and worry about myself.
I realized that I need to be more upbeat.

Thank you to that "certain someone" for giving me the kick in the booty that I ever so needed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Why Is It

Why is it you can feel such relief, excitement and happiness one minute but yet another minute feel so lonely and time has stood still?

I have been trying to figure this out all day and yet I can't.

For whomever is reading please don't get the wrong idea. But have you ever wanted to run, leave a note and come back when you feel like it? Would anyone miss me, care that I am not around and worry about me?

Why is it having a date on Friday or Saturday night only really exists in high school? Why can't it still exist when we are adults? The feeling of excitement when your date rings the doorbell or knocks on the door. The feeling of excitement not knowing what the night will bring. Will he hold my hand, will he kiss me goodnight, will he call the next day, will he ask me out again.

I hope this makes sense to whomever is reading this, I am not even really sure if it makes sense to me. So if there is someone who has the same thoughts as I do, please comment me back.

Turning Around

Looks like things are turning around in one area of my life.

I received the phone call today that I got the job that I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I start on Monday. Nervous yes, Happy yes, Relieved even more so.

I am sure things will turn around for me in other areas of my life.

Things can only get better from here.

Thank you to that "certain someone" for believing in me and sticking by me though the ordeal once again of not working, looking for a new job and most of all the moodiness that came along. It truly means a lot to me and truly you have touched my heart.

Do you..........

Do you.........


Do you love me because I'm beautiful, or am I am beautiful because you love me?


Do you regret things you have done in your life?


Do you want everyone in your life to be happy, wealthy, healthy and be in love?


What do you want - What is important to you?


I have learned that yes I am beautiful. I have also learned not to dwell on regrets you have made in the past, but to move on make things better for yourself. I have learned happiness comes from within, wealthy will come in due time (expect you need to accept what is being thrown at you wether it is being wealthy or comfortable, being healthly is up to you and being in love is the most precisous feeling and I hope everyone gets the chance in their life to be in love.

No News Yet.........

No news yet on the job.

My recruiter and the one owner talked today. And now the one owner needs to get with the other owner.

I am thinking positive that I will get the job. I believe that it will happen.
Waiting is the hardest part.

Thankfully I have friends that are thinking positive for me too and a "certain someone" is doing the same.

So......Thank you very much for the positive thoughts.

I will keep you all posted.

Tenderness.....

His sweet kisses. The touch of his hand. The smell of his cologne. His beautiful blue eyes. His smile that melts my heart. And so many other things.............

Thank you for making me feel once again needed, wanted and most of all loved.

Mixed Emotions

I was able to see that "certain someone" tonight for about 20 minutes.

When he opens my front door, my heart flutters even before I see him.

He pulls me close and wraps his arms around me and holds me. He gently kisses my forehead. He eventually lets go of me, he looks into my eyes and asks me what do I want to say. I told him that I missed him and I want to kiss him. He told me to kiss him.

I kissed him. I thought my heart was going to come out of my chest because it was beating so fast, its even more now. When he kisses me he gives me chills and still gives me butterflies in my stomach. He tells me I am beautiful and not to ever forget it.

He said he needed to go, but he would be back in the morning. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing, I said his face tells me differently. He told me he is sad and he knows I am sad too. Take the sadness away - let's not do this.

I want him in my life more than I have ever wanted anyone else before. I have never wanted to fight for a relationship with someone more than I want to fight for him.

I never thought I could feel so much love for someone as I do in him. However, I don't think love will be enough. There is nothing - nothing that I can do to keep him in my life. My gut tells me when he walks away - he won't be back.

And yes I am going to use one of your lines - "Please, if you have to let me go, Please don't forget me."

Fingers R Crossed - Please Cross Yours

Okay - My fingers are crossed so please cross yours.

I received a phone call this afternoon on a job interview that I went to a few weeks ago. They are looking to have me be part time the first week and then full time the following week. Right now my recruiter is working with the owner to negotiate wages and benefits. He is going to call me in the morning with the news.

So.......Please cross your fingers for me.

And finally - something happy happened for me this week. Maybe just maybe I can get some sleep tonight!

Feelings?

How do I get rid of the feelings that I have right now?
As I said before, I feel like I can't breathe.
The past few hours I have felt like I am having an anexity attack, my heart hurts, my chest tightens up on me when I think about not having him in my life.

Yeah I admit I have made some mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, but this time, I truly feel I didn't do anything wrong to be treated this way.

I truly feel like my life is falling apart even more and no one cares.

I truly feel the one person that has been here for me and the one person that I have been able to lean on this past year, doesn't want me to lean on him anymore, doesn't want me to burden him anymore with the problems in my life. I always felt I could lean on him, all I feel right now is he is pushing me away, doesn't want me to be a part of him anymore, doesn't want to have a relationship with me anymore, doesn't want to hold me, touch me, kiss me or makelove to me anymore.
Were his feelings true? I always believed they were, I still believe they are. I especially felt his feelings were true for me when he told me that he loves me a few weeks ago.

Why is it when you find happiness and make do your best to make someone else happy it never seems enough? I thought I was making him happy but maybe I was wrong. Is he afraid to be completely happy with me? Is he afraid that he knows that he can be happy with me and is doing everything and saying anything to not be happy with me? I don't know - all I know is he makes me happy, he makes me feel complete.

Like I said before in one of my blogs, I truly hope that he knows or will figure out that what I feel for him is so real.

I truly hope he realizes.

Two Words

Two words I did not want to hear tonight I heard - "Take Care."

I am sure he means well when he says that, unfortunately it doesnt change the fact that I did not want to hear them. The last time I heard them was when we had a huge blow up and I felt it was the end.

I don't know if what we have is even going to go anywhere, all I know is those two words hurt very much.

All I know is I care for him very deeply and miss him very much.

At this point, I don't even know if there is anything I can say or do to turn this around. Maybe he doesnt want to turn it around, I don't know.

I want to know what he is thinking and feeling, I think. Yeah I do what to know what he is thinking and feeling. I know what I am thinking and feeling however I scared as hell to tell him.

My head hurts from crying, my heart hurts because I miss everything about him, I am so tired from not sleeping.

I am so lost right now...................I feel like I can't breathe.

Overwhelmed & Happiness

I feel so overwhelmed in my heart right now, I feel like there is a million pounds sitting on it. I don't like the feeling of it right now.

However, I also felt happiness in my heart when that "certain someone" called me this morning. I have to be honest, I was not expecting to hear from him anytime soon. I am very very greatful that he called. He managed to put that flutter back in my heart just by the sound of his voice.

So.....thank you for calling.....it really means a lot to me.

Happiness vs Sadness

I am very happy for my friend Heather who landed the job that she was seeking. She has worked very hard over the past several years to get her degree, being a single mom and still somehow manage to find a man that loves and adores her.

However....I will be sad to see her go. I have only really known her the past few months however I feel that she is a good friend. I have talked to her about so many things the past few months, between me not working, scared about moving, the anniversary of mom's death and the love realtionship that I have with that "certain someone" that is not going well right now.

I am very thankful that Heather has come into my life. I will miss her when she moves, however I know she is a phone call or email away.

Heather has been there a lot for me the past few days, with her being six years younger than me, she is more mature and seems to have her head screwed on straighter than mine.

I hope someday I can find the happiness she is feeling.

On a side note - I am still very much in love with that "certain someone" and I hope he knows how much.

So Heather.............I will miss you when you more than ten steps away for me to go talk to.

Will he ever truly know???

Will he ever truly know how I my feelings are true for him?
Will he ever know how much I am in love with him, care about him, worry about him, want and need him in my life?
Will he ever truly know how when he sits on my couch and leaves his smell of his cologne on my couch and it makes me feel that he is still there?
Will he ever truly know how when he sleeps next to me in bed and leaves his smell of his cologne on my pillow to make me feel he is still there lying next to me?
Will he ever truly know how after he takes a shower the smell of his soap lingers in the bathroom or even the next day when I take a shower I feel that he is in there with me?
Will he ever let me be a part of his life, his friends life and his families life?
Will he ever truly know that I am in love with him with all of my heart?
Will he ever truly know that he has touched me in so many ways that I would like nothing more than to have him in my life all of the time - to wake up next to him to kiss him good morning, to kiss him good night, to make him smile, to make him laugh, have him make me laugh, make me smile and to pick on me the way he does?
Will he ever truly know.................

Night & Day

Hope that "certain someone" will forgive me for me for being idiot last night.

I hope today that "certain someone" has a better day and feels better soon. Wish I could so much do something to help you, wish I could do something to help you sleep. If you need me to do anything for you to help you sleep I will do whatever you ask, promise.

Finally.....

Finally today I received a phone call about an interview for a job. I was beginning to think that I would not even get one call. I am sure this is only the beginning of several more calls.

I also want to say - thank you very much to that "certain someone" - you made this past weekend absolutely wonderful. I love how you are, who you are and I love how I am when I am with you. Thank you for making me feel that I am wanted, needed and very much loved. I hope you know that I feel the same for you. The future what does it hold - I don't know - I am not even sure he knows - all I know is I treasure every minute we have together and every phone call I get from him. I hope what we have can grow into something stronger, even more fulfilling and create many many more wonderful weekends like this past weekend.

Bad Days.....

Ever have those bad days when you wished you never have gotten out of bed or you wish you had a magic wand to make all the bad things go away????
To that "certain someone" I wish that I could help you in some way - I hate hearing the frustration in your voice.
Just remember things will get better.

Five years ago.......

Five years ago today I lost my mom.
I still to this day wait for her to call and invite me over for dinner.

I miss her voice, her presence, everything about her.

Mom - I Love You and Miss You Dearly.

Another Hurdle

I have yet another hurdle I need to jump over. Yesterday was my last day of work and I am even more scared now. Wish I could go to bed at night and not think about what lies ahead. I am trying very hard to think positive but lately it has been so difficult.
I have always said that things happen for a reason, therefore I am convinced what has happened to me the last few years has happened for a reason and it only has to get better.